Confessions of A Broken Girl
Woah! What happened? That was fast. I just wrote a blog titled “Removing the Mask. I wrote, “there are levels to my healing and I’m amazed at how God has restored me.” (and he’s still restoring me) I had no idea that I had entered another level of my healing.
My prayer is always for God to reveal to me those things that I’ve buried and have not dealt with; ugly and painful. You know those issues of the heart. Today it seems like everything went downhill for a moment. Sometimes situations happen that force us to pluck it at the root. And we have to get on our hands and knees and cry out to God surrender it and ask him to release you from that thing. I had to go there today!
All of my life I haven’t fully admitted to my brokenness of my biological father. Not intentionally, I just buried it for so long. I mean, I’ve lightly touched the surface. For me, it’s easier to say “he abandoned me”. But to actually dig deep and TALK about those things- what more could I say?
Honestly, I didn’t want to admit it or talk about it. What do I look like being broken and dysfunctional by a person I talk to every several years?! Like they say “You can’t heal from what you don’t confront.”
Lately, I’ve been asked how did you feel about him? I would say he wasn’t there but I’m good. Today a situation showed me otherwise. Truth is, I felt unworthy of his time and love. I felt unworthy to be his little girl. ( takes a deep breath)
I’m so hard on myself when I don’t do things perfect. The smallest mistake I shut down and feel as if I should be repaid by receiving no love or GRACE. I feel like every time I don’t perform well as a mother, and specifically as a wife, I should be cast out of Candytopia. ( I’m trying to make a joke here, but you get my drift) I feel so unworthy; like I should be stripped of my title.
But God comforted me and reminded me of his love and grace. For ME. He told me to stop trying to be perfect and keep seeking me. “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Philippians 2:13
You may stumble and fall, but get up and keep going forward. Daughter, extend grace to yourself.
P.S. This is different, but I have to be obedient. I pray that you are encouraged. I pray that through my transparency, you can see that this journey isn’t always easy. There will be times we have to face the bad and ugly, but just know we overcome by our testimony!
If you are struggling in this area, need prayer, or a mentor please feel free to email me.
“This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”
Hebrews 4:15-16 NLT